Exam hell.

Sure wish I could fast-forward to thursday.  I'm not interested in finding out what this one's gonna be like.

Simple Joys Today

Turning a shovel in rich Iowa topsoil.  Reading a great poem.  Hearing a great poem read well.  Walking among trees.  Watching urban animals live out their relatively inconsequential lives.  Chasing my boy around the house.  Enjoying a cup of coffee and a long thought.

Life is good enough today to make today worth living every day.

Breathe!

I 've got myself all fucked up over this exam tomorrow - I'm going to do fine!  I always do this!  I always freak out, even though I've probably already studied more than almost anyone in the class, and then I do fine.  I wish the exam was right at 8am, so I wouldn't have to wake up at 6 and have 5 hours to pace around cursing about how fucked I am before the exam is handed out at 11.  I just need to forget it!  This would have to be the hardest test I've ever taken for me to get a low enough score for my grade to drop below an A, anyways! Crag crag crag... Sleep, I think will serve me better than continuing studying at this point... I"m going to bed.  After I look over my study sheets one more time... maybe.

Sobriety

I've been thinking a lot about the possibility of sobriety.  I'm not even sure that it's necessary, but it's more legal than what I've been doing.  Drugs and alcohol are not currently ruining my life.  They have nearly destroyed it in the past, though.  And those troubles with hard drugs have left a legacy that manifests itself in a weirdness that's different from the weirdness I've always felt is an inherent part of me.  I'm increasingly awkward and suppressed.  No, I don't like it.  I don't like it one bit, but I can't change it.  That irrevocable change in my capability for social interaction will serve as a haunting reminder of what a fool I can be for the rest of my life.  It's not easy to say this because no one likes to feel regret (most people deny it), but I do feel regret.  I regret that entire experience.  I wish I could take July 2006 through December of that terrible year and toss it away forever.  Not just the memory of it, but the entire reality of it.  What an idiot I was.  Chasing some unfeelable feeling that I don't get to ever have and maybe never had.  An illusion of what life should be or was.  I've lost the ability to recall just what it felt like to never have been an addict.  But deep within me I know it was better then.

So, why am I still getting high and drinking?  Am I still chasing that dream of what should be?  Really, the answer to the question of why isn't even that important.  The point is that feelings associated with intoxication are artificial - and what I'm concerned with these days is getting real.  Drugs and alcohol are not helping me to get real.  At that - what HAVE they done for me lately?

Well, I've always felt that there's something about smoking marijuana that enhances the human experience of the spiritual realm.  And I still believe that's true on some level, although I question the validity of my own belief.  Beer?  Well, that's just what we drink ("we" being my family, my friends).  It's part of my culture.  But there's nothing that it's really doing for me.  It doesn't seem to be working against me, though. And there's my dilemma.

What's the point of getting sober if drugs and alcohol aren't causing me any problems directly?  A pre-emptive strike on my use to eliminate unforeseen future consequences of my use seems silly.  I'm doing fine.  I'm just not entirely sure that drugs and drinking need to be a part of my life.  I don't see how they are making a direct, positive contribution to my life that can't be adequately substituted.

So I feel a spiritual connection to marijuana - what am I a fucking witch doctor?  I could probably get closer to my chi with yoga, veggies, and deep breathing techniques.  But I'm extremely apprehensive to make such a switch.  I've been using marijuana to get in, get away, go deeper, and mellow out for years now.

I am afraid of what it means to be sober.

What if I change?  What if I find out I'm an asshole when I'm sober - or worse, what if it makes me better?  I'm not too keen on forgiveness and I'd be pretty upset to find out I'd been allowing myself to lie to myself for seven dreadful, chain dragging years.

It's time for me to move on and be who I want to be.  I'm pretty sure that intoxication is holding me back from being whole.  I don't want to walk through life dragging pieces of myself behind me anymore.  I want to feel complete.  I want to be happy - to experience happiness in the raw.  I wonder if sobriety would help me get there.

Preservation

I've plenty to speak up about.  But I am plagued by some queer form of mental laryngitis.  It's an easy excuse.

Flowers for you

The sun is shining and the animals are springing into action.  The birds chirp, caw, and honk their way across the skies.  They pass from limb to limb, shrub to tree, stream to pond.  And the people - they emerge like baby tortoises skittering from the nest for the freedom of open ocean.  Ahh....  Stretch, yawn, smile.  It is a wonderful time to be an Iowan.

Pain for pleasure

Some say without pain
we couldn't  measure pleasure.
I'm not so sure.
What about fingerpainting
and fingerbanging with the
freshman girl who's name
doesn't matter anymore?
I felt pretty good about that
and pain was far away.
If it weren't for pain,
I wouldn't need these stones
in my gut that keep
the food down when I realize
that pleasure is temporary
and pain is on it's way.
I'm not so sure,
but it's nice to think about.

-RKM

Fact

I love ice cream.  and candy and family and jazz and being right and nature and sometimes civilization and

I hate pain.  and the opposite of everything I love.

(Exponential?) Intensity.

I put two spaces after my periods.  I always have.

My head hurts and I'm avoiding sleep and I don't know why - because I tell myself lies.  And I'm not sure what to listen to.  Or who what is or when mySELF is who it is.  And who that is?

Things unraveled on me.